You were there last night
I could sense you standing over me
Watching as I slept
Guarding against evil dreams
Shielding me from the haunting memories
In waking hours I am lost
Wondering through life
Heart sick
Waiting for the moment I merge with your soul once more
My only solace
Closing my eyes
Memories flood my heart and mind
You are there with me and I am whole once more
My hope in this listless world
Its always been you
There are times when I feel my shattered parts so deeply that no words, time, or space can ever heal those wounds
When I miss my stepfather and grieve the loss of the relationship I never had with my own father
When I remember why family is so important to me, because I’ve never really had one
When I grieve the loss of my friends that have passed and moved on because they were often my chosen people and family
When I remember that my skin doesn’t match my heritage, yet my heritage matches my soul
When I long for days of missed conversations with the wise souls and lost souls
I am so much more than people see or hear about me
I am strong and soft, smooth and jagged, rough and refined…
And there is so much more pain than beauty on these days when I remember who and what I truly am
I wish they could see me the way I see them
Silence in my life is a tangled golden deadly web built of beauty and destruction. The eb and flow of pain, suffering, contemplation, and a constant rising from the ashes each morning when I wake… then there was you.
Conversations about nothing and everything. Is this really real or am I day dreaming again…
I stay constantly moving, because no matter the daily struggle I will fight to stay standing in the light…
Then you walk into my life and I chose to let go of all that was keeping me safe, the bullshit, the banter, being aloof…
So terrified, I stand still; watching and waiting for you. I am being counter intuitive, vulnerable, arm out stretched, holding a mistreated heart beating in my fragile hand.
I fell hard and I don’t understand… I fall asleep and you’re there when my dreams take on a life of their own, I crave your whispers in my ear, the way you look at me with desire and awe in one glance…
I am completely authentic with you, a gift no other has been given. I can barely breath just thinking about that. In all my days this is the biggest risk I’ve taken.
I can face death repeatedly, but to face us and what we may become… does that even still exist or is it just some silly idealistic story I’ve been told
It’s been days and days, between our busy lives and families, work and holidays, but I can’t get you off of my mind…
I miss you like a diamonds on spiderwebs, cool breezes on warm sun drenched days, finger tips tender tracing lines on the small of my back, the sharp sigh of release and completion when I feel you…
If you only knew… if you really only knew, then maybe, just maybe you would understand what longing is.
Silence is now woven in quiet contemplation and longing for you.
Self deprivation
A stand or proclamation
Screaming only lies
I’m giving you the truth
Take power from my wisdom
The internal battle has just begun
Life on life’s terms that is how we overcome
This is my injection of courage
never walk through pain with contempt or be discouraged
Hold your head up high
Only then will you rise
To face the world eyes opened wide
I’m not home sick anymore… I own the keys to the real estate where it all exists.
Some times you have to walk through a lot without any direction, holding onto faith that some day this too shall pass.
Remember during those trying times, when you feel lost, alone, scared, devalued, worthless, broken, shattered, hopless, or helpless… others have been there too. Life is life, it’s not necessarily what’s going on that changes, it’s how you deal with what’s going on that changes.
We are all on our own individual journeys, yet we often travel together or cross paths.
So loves, if you’re lost ask for directions, if you are broken ask a mechanic their opinion, if you’re shattered gather your pieces and get re-fired…
It’s your turn to HEAL, It’s your turn to BECOME.
Me be for we ends in disaster, we before me allows us to write the next chapter.
I have seen so many children, tossed aside, emotionally and physically neglected. The listless wandering in their eyes, bodies balanced precariously on unstable ground, hearts lost in a cold vacant world, just looking for warmth and acceptance. The gift would be small and unassuming in size, yet grand and everlasting. As innocent as a passing glance, this gift would often be overlooked by bustling brokers of the dysfunctional factual calibrated societal players. An irreplaceable momentary slip through the cracks of the degradation, dust, and dishevelment these glorious little miracles are growing-up in.
I too desired that gift as a child. I was regarded as a wee bit of gum on societies shoe; I searched many a day and night for this illustrious gift. I looked through window panes, peeked around darkened corners, and dug through the muck and the grime of the gutters. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, than year upon year I searched until I reached the moment of absolute collapse and surrender.
Absolutely, irrevocably I was defeated. I was emotionally and physically battered and bruised. I lay down in my final act of letting go of all that I had been trying to fill myself with. Just then, as if looking up for the first time, I noticed the beauty that danced above my glance for so long. My heart began to warm and a stream of salty sweet tears drifted freely down my tattered cheek.
How could it be so simple, I wondered. Full of gratitude and amazement, overwhelmed with emotion, my body grew limp. I collapsed onto the ground, curling into the fetal position; I sobbed an uncontrollable expression of relief and contentment. My body was washed over with the feeling of complete acceptance. I found what I was looking for.
All children deserve to know that they are loved and cared for.
I believe that when a child is born they represent unlimited potential; that only they hold the keys to their futures and it is our job to guide them, for they hold the key to all of our futures. When I look into a child’s eyes, I see everything that they can accomplish. How they can turn all of the pain and suffering into something beautiful. Their experiences, light or dark, hold the answers to the universe’s mysteries.
I want to give all children an ever burning light of wonder, discovery, and expression. This, you can see burning in the young and the old, regardless of station in life; if you have it, it will always shine through. Some call it a sparkle, others a glimmer, and yet still more describe it as radiating. Whatever you want to call it, whenever a child looks to you, I wish you my gift – the ability to see the radiance shining through even the most horrible of circumstances.
Fear and degradation
A life of painful scintillation
Quandaries running through my precognitive mind
Am I alive only to suffer
Or is it to show another
That I might rise
Despite all the preordained misgivings
Of my shattered youth
My path yet unspoken
My spirit nearly broken
I travel quite heavy
Holding a world quite unsteady
Wrapped caringly in my mind’s eye
A faint glimmer of my destination
I push forward toward spiritual emancipation
As shadows of former selves rush by
A message I’ve been given
To share among only the living
Burdened with full knowledge of all the lies
Desperate measures taken
For my lover must awaken
I fear if not now
Then never will he find the man I see inside
Through the shrouded looking-glass
We walk over slivers of his past
The terror growing steadily
Though I know he is ready
To break the chains
That have bound him to this time
My courage is a token
Of my vows to him unbroken
A reminder of all I have overcome
My love, never shaken
My bond to him only strengthens
As I sit to watch
Another miracle in creation
He is about to walk through life
Eyes opened wide
If all my suffering is meant for this
The first moment he becomes aware
I would trudge through it all again
Just to see his soul free and bare
No longer tethered to the past
I regret not a single moment
My heart has not been broken
Patience is earned, never given
I will always be right here
Waiting for you
My dearest waking dream
Hopes and Dreams swiftly sweetly
Leafs and lives drifting deeply
Further down the rabbits hole
We must travel through our past
To become painfully aware
Internal conflict naked and rare
However, externally we grin and bare
Keeping up appearances as if nothings there
Can’t sleep only lay
Mind churning eyes flood with pain
Heart racing and then it came
The warmth and comfort of being undone
I live in a waking dream…
If I am sleeping, let me dream…
If I am awake, let me live
embrionik 